Court Report...

This is only my second visit ever to Hampton Court.



I don't know why I'm making that sound unusual. Once is probably enough, as it's not somewhere that's going to change much now. This opens up the debate about whether historical buildings should continue to be adapted and modernised. For instance, Henry VIII didn't establish Hampton Court, he just, well, adapted and modernised it...

Henry VIII was prolific in everything, from marriage to palace building. In just 10 years he spent more than £62,000 rebuilding and extending Hampton Court. This was a vast sum worth approximately £18 million today. (Hampton Court Website)

However, when he did it, he was allowed to because it was his and he lived there (part time) and he was the King. It wasn't a tourist attraction to be preserved for visitors. And we all know that clamorous objection has welcomed other attempts at modern additions to historical buildings at, for example, The Louvre.

My first visit only took me as far as the gardens, so it was good to see the inside of the palace this time and learn it was the largest palace in Britain. This is Fountain Court...




...and is named after either a riffy pub in Hythe, or the fountain in the middle. It's the only photo I have of the inside of the buildings because you're not allowed to take photos of all the delicate stuff which might get flash-bulb damaged (tapestries, curtains, carpets, attendants etc). Then you can buy 50p-a-go postcards of them in the Tudor gift shop, served by a student dressed up in a Tudor costume.

The gardens, however, you can take photos of, and they are stunning. Trees like the trees you would draw if you were 4...



...Capability Brown style gardens (he gardened here and lived here in a grace-and-favour apartment)...



...and the famous Royal/Real Tennis Court, which you can't take photos in either. But sod that, I've paid my money...



Obviously you have to go to the maze too, but it's a pathetically small and uninteresting maze, made all the more pathetic and uninteresting by the knowledge that if you keep turning right, you will get to where you're supposed to...



Still, if anyone ever asks me if I've done the world-famous maze at Hampton Court, I will be able to say "yes". (It being one of those things you ought to be able to say yes to if you're British.)

The ponds in the garden also provided evidence that Hans Christian Andersen was right...



And the other birds in so many words said "Quack!! Get out of town!!"

See also...

Does what it says on the tin...

The summer can't end officially until I've seen...



You have to wonder how many less obvious titles were mulled over in the boardroom before they finalised via the Plain English Campaign. I'm going for...

• Ophidiophobia
• No-Legged Freaks
• Lord of the Fangs
• The Poisoned Adventure (Almost an anagram...)
• Slytherin' (Cash in on the Harry Potter crowd...)
  

Please feel free to add yours.

More interestingly, I wondered what this approach might throw up if applied to other films. Would you have gone to see...

• Bomb on a Bus?
• Prats on a Boat?
• Monsters in Space?
• Christians in Bedroom Furniture?

But the best thing about the film is the website, where you can persuade people to go and see it (even though it will be utter toss of the highest order), by leaving them a personalised voicemail narrated by the totally bona fide (or possibly a fairly convincing sound-a-like) Samuel L Jackson.

How can I resist?

Jersey revisited...

I thought I was about 10 when I went to Jersey last, but checking, I was actually 16. Funny how memory plays tricks on you. I also knew how to check, because we flew back from Jersey on the day Corbiere won the Grand National, which was Saturday 9 April 1983. And I know that, because as we flew out, we flew over Corbiere Lighthouse...



...and we thought it was a coincidence so we backed the horse. And won.

Not much has changed on Jersey since then. Certainly the picture of the lighthouse could have been taken 23 years ago. I wouldn't be blogging it then, though.

What makes Jersey a good option for holidays?

Well...

1. the money is the same shape and size (apart from their curious adherence to the quaint pound note) and worth the same and things are a bit cheaper because there is no VAT;
2. the island is small and you can drive to its four corners in a morning...

3. Bergerac (whose face is the same shape as the island, apparently);
4. it has a range of German Occupation themed tourist attractions, which it wouldn't have if there had not been the German Occupation. I imagine they contribute to the island's economy to a fair degree. They include...

German Tunnels, Signage, Bunkers...



Guns, Swastikas and (eventually) Liberation Monuments.

5. Neolithic Past...

The first picture is Le Dolmen des Monts Grantez and the second is La Hougue Bie. La Hougue Bie is definitely worth a visit. Le Dolmen des Monts Grantez probably isn't. And you'll never find it anyway.

6. Quaint stuff

The Shell Garden (which is really someone's garden) and the Amphibious thing which brings you back from Elizabeth Castle when the tide has come in.

7. It's close to Guernsey
8. The Gerald Durrell Zoo (which is expensive and rubbish - don't go...)
9. It's the real seaside...

...so you can get a '99. Can't complain!

---

Lots more photos on flickr...

Day 2 in the (Not Big Brother) House House

24 has finished and its second-rate replacement, The Hades Factor, is hellish. Big Brother is not interesting this year because Nikki will go back into the house, but Pete will win. Unless Glyn does.

So there has to be some interesting addictive TV to watch otherwise I will have to pretend I have read lots of erudite and worthy books during the holidays.

Fortunately, thanks to Nicky Board, I have discovered...

...which I have being watching in 4-hour blocks and will have to keep watching until I have finished all 6 DVDs. (And then I will have to get Series 2 on e-Bay...)

Part of the appeal was to see if Hugh Laurie could carry off anything other than wacky upper-class Englishman against Stephen Fry. And he totally can. Within five minutes you forget it's him and believe he's Dr Gregory House MD. Accent, limp, walking stick, attitude.. all good.

And then you are sucked in. Was the Nun allergic to her tattoo? Or something else? Is that really a tapeworm in the kindergarten teacher's brain? Just how did that woman get African Sleeping Sickness? Did those students really get poisoned by their jeans?

It's a bit like Casualty in that...

Most episodes start outside the hospital, showing the events
leading to the onset of illness for that week's patient. (Wikipedia)

But instead of some (stunt) woman falling off a ladder or rolling (unconvincingly) over the bonnet of a speeding car, House and his team (the dead one from Dead Poets' Society and someone from Neighbours) have to deal with very complex and rare things which they normally solve within the last five minutes, probably accompanied by some very graphic CGI shots zooming internally to focus on organs failing in Dolby Digital Surround Sound.

And then getting better.

Usually watched over by cranky and unbelieving relatives who have to admit, grudgingly, that House was right all along.

Only another 40 episodes to watch before Sky show series 3. Thank goodness for the summer holidays...

Mistaken Identity...

This has now happened to me twice in one week...

Firstly, someone has my email address and thinks I want to work at Barclays...

From: ********@barclayscapital.com

Ian

Apologies I did leave a message on your voicemail about 2 weeks ago and I thought it strange you didn't reply.

Unfortunately we have decided not to progress with your application. The feedback on the day was positive from Damien and it is obvious that you are very keen and ambitious however the lack of experience in a sales environment is a concern for Carl and myself.

Good luck with your future career and please give me a call if you want to chat through

Regards
Carol

...which I don't. (But I am harbouring some dislike for Carl and Carol who obviously think I am not good enough. I may not have the necessary sales experience, Carol, but I know it's a concern "for Carl and me", not "for Carl and myself"...)


And secondly, someone has my mobile number and thinks I am Tony Gowers, National Trail Officer for the North Downs Way...



...which I am not. Although if I got a free yellow hi-viz jacket with my job, I might want to be...

One flew over the Junk Mail filter....

Now, I would never normally admit to finding anything in Tina's junk mail remotely amusing or entertaining in any way, consisting as it normally does of such things as...

• Fwd: Would you hold the ladder? Note: forwarded message attached. I thought this was really funny...i hope you like it as much as i did! Tinaxx or
  

• Fwd: FW: Mates Note: forwarded message attached. Is that a rag doll....or really a person? Txxxx or
  

• Fwd: FW: Tennis Note: forwarded message attached. This is good fun! My record so far is 11...I only had a quick go...honest! Txxxxxxxxxxxxx or
  

• Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Bubble wrap Note: forwarded message attached. I personally found this quite therapeutic...have a pop! Txxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You know, the kind of thing your inbox is permanently plagued with. Especially if you know Tina....

However, I have obviously let my guard down, (it must be the holidays), because I have to admit this is very addictive, requiring, as it does, skill and precision and dexterity etc, and not just being a poor quality video of a bloke up a ladder with a kilt on, which was the last thing she sent to 237 unsuspecting friends and family...



*edit: I didn't kill the dog either...

RIP Top of the Very Pops

Just watching the very last TOTP (as we call it) and important questions come to mind....

• When was the last time I watched it? Can't remember...
• Why does Dave Lee Travis look exactly the same...?
• Why is Captain Jack Sparrow on it? (Oh, he's not, it's Adam Ant...)
• Why, Why, Why, Delilah?
• Why is Aisleyne on it? (Oh, she's not, it's Beyoncé Knowles...)
• What is Pat Sharp for?
• Ditto All Saints
• Which one of Take That had a thing with Lulu and vomited into her bath?
• Which one was Pepsi and which one was Shirley? And which one married Martin/Gary Kemp? And who did the other one marry? And which of the Kemps has a metal plate in his head?
• Weren't the Wombles good?
• Ditto Smurfs...
• What's so special about "Oasis" soup?
• Wasn't Janice Long Cheggers' sister? Presumably still is...
• What was Victoria Beckham's maiden name?
• When will I, will I be famous? (I can't answer. I can't answer that...)
• What will be on at 2pm on Christmas Day for us to take the piss out of en famille?*
• And (only my Dad and sister will be able to answer this...), didn't Freddie Mercury look like Mrs Spalding???

*edit: Jana "Mrs BBC" Bennett just confirmed there will be a Christmas special. Phew.

A year ago today...

Don't worry, I'm not going to relive the whole of last summer day by day... But this is where I was exactly a year ago:



Today, I am not on my way to New Zealand, rather I am sitting on my sofa having the first lazy day since finishing work. So that's allowed.

Just watched Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe from last night*, in which he pondered how people get on Big Brother...



(*God bless Sky Plus, which you can now programme via text message...)

Oh, great....

Yes, thanks, Tesco Home Plus.
Bugger Right Off.

Alton Towers for rodents...

Like all the other newspapers, The Guardian published the story about Mike the Hamster escaping from the recycling plant which you can read about here (or here on the BBC.)

However, I wish The Guardian had credited the artist who illustrated it...



...because then I would know who to thank for making me laugh.

Mike at position 4 is particularly amusing. Although perhaps no more so than "hamster ducking under blades" at position 2.

Carry on Regardless...

Went to see The Beautiful South last night in Portsmouth and they were bloody good. Again.

I have seen them a couple of times before. The first time they were a bit maudlin and depressing and the second time very upbeat and cheerful, so it was a toss-up to which they would be this time.

Here's a photo - if you squint and pretend it was taken with a good camera instead of a mobile phone that I dropped in a cup of coffee last week, you will make out, from right to left...

• Dave Hemingway, who looks increasingly like the miserable one out of the Pet Shop Boys (debate about which one that is), especially when wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap
• Paul Heaton, the main one, and...
• in the far blurry distance, the woman, who changes every couple of years or so...

The new one is called Alison Wheeler and she fits in very well, because she can "do" the voices of the previous two.

So much so, that when she does this bit...



...she gets a mid-song round of applause for sounding like the freckly redhead woman who sang it originally (name her if you can), a bit like she would if she were doing Stars in their Eyes.

And if anything, they were more upbeat and more cheerful, despite the fact that the some of the lyrics get more poignant and more cutting. Woman in the Wall, for example, turned into a big fiesta number with horns and tambourines and all that. Paul Heaton even smiled a number of times and had some witty banter with the audience about their banners.

But someone will have to explain the big balloons, because he didn't.

Today, it rained...

...a lot!

Sam is the hero next door! (or not...)

Is it wrong that I have some sort of sneaking admiration for the person who made the following complaint to OFCOM? I reproduce it below, probably breaching copyright, so that you can stifle your laughter and make your own mind up...

Fireman Sam - CBeebies, 10 February 2006, 12.45

Introduction

This episode of the long-running children's television series told the story of an old and carelessly stored electric blanket which caught fire. When Fireman Sam arrived at the fire, before he entered the building, he asked his colleague Elvis to ensure the electrical power source had been disconnected. After Elvis had disconnected the source, Fireman Sam went into the bedroom where the electric blanket was on fire and extinguished the blaze with water.

A complainant felt that extinguishing an electrical fire with water sent out an incorrect safety message to young children watching.

Response

The BBC said it had reviewed the episode and felt confident that Fireman Sam and his team followed the correct procedure by isolating the power source first before tackling the fire. As the sequence was short, there was little chance of viewers seeing the fire fighting without hearing of the precaution first.

Even so the programme makers were concerned that a small number of viewers seemed not to have picked up the safety precaution. This had been discussed with senior editors and another episode, which dealt in more detail with electrical fires, had now been edited to reinforce the safety message further. The BBC confirmed that next time the episode complained of was repeated, the additional episode reinforcing how to deal with electrical fires safely would be the next scheduled.

Decision

Although the storyline had followed the correct procedure, we welcome the BBC’s action to reinforce the safety message for young viewers.

Resolved

"And on your left, it says here..."

It's an interesting thing, putting yourself in the position of being a tourist in your own town. Two things will probably happen...

1. You will see one thing which you didn't realise was there and nonchalantly go "Oh, right..." and...
2. You will see loads of things you already knew were there and pass everyday and never realised were tourist attractions. Because they aren't.

Southampton has jumped on the open-topped bus tour bandwagon. Its heart is in the right place, I'm sure, but its literature gives it all away. The main features are the cruise liners and the Bacardi-Martini plant which chucks out a million bottles of Bacardi Breezer everyday. And if there are no cruise liners in dock that day, the main (only) feature is, well, the Bacardi-Martini plant which chucks out a million bottles of Bacardi Breezer everyday.

Anyway, on undaunted and not being one to be over cynical about these new ventures...

...this is the bloke who knows everything about Southampton which you might want to know. Apart from he doesn't. He knows what has been written on the piece of paper he is holidng, and he reads it out. (Crap points = 10). He also has no PA system on the coach, because it is broken (Crap points = 20) and so he has to shout and the people at the back have to lip-read (Crap points = 30). The people downstairs, I imagine, don't hear anything.

The first thing we see was the thing I already knew was there. It's the Titanic memorial just inside Dock Gate 4.

It's also a bit rubbish, consisting as it does of three big blocks of concrete. And the guide didn't really sell it as much more than that either. You weren't allowed to get off the bus to read what it said. If this tour is going to be a crowd puller, the blokey reading out the stuff is going to have to bring a little bit more life to it - some stories about the people on the Titanic, what they did, whether they survived. Even a two minute dash into the BBC Southampton website came up with this...

"Further along Oxford Street, The Grapes is still a popular pub. In 1911 the firemen and engine room workers on the liners used to drink in what was a real 'spit and sawdust' pub just before departure. Six Titanic crewmen left it late and dashed through Dock Gate 4 just before midday - three men crossed the railway line just in front of a train but the three Slade brothers let the train pass. In the meantime, the gangplank was pulled up and fortunately for them, they missed the Titanic."

You see, it's not hard.

Things can only get better...

...or so you would think. I pass Dock Gate 10 a few times most weeks, but it's only when you see it as a tourist that you see how rubbish it is. What should be part of a proud sea-going, trading heritage has been patched up with concrete. The clock hands have been removed and someone has decided on the best place for a red warning triangle. It really looks awful. And the flour mill behind it looks derilict and is a real eyesore.

I know these places are working docks, but when you see what Portsmouth has done to regenerate its waterfront, Southampton looks increasingly shabby.

Speaking of which. If you are shabby enough to be able to afford to go on the QE2 (or the QM2), this is where you get on...

...a 1950s precast concrete and corrugated iron shed. Classy.

Back to the top attractions.

There are a couple of these on the dock side. Big multi-storey car parks where the cars being imported and exported are stored. 60% of the cars moved through Southampton are for export, only 40% are imports. This was presented as a favourable fact, but I'm sure in years gone by, the statistics might have been even more favourable...

*That's not Jean-Luc Picard on the bus...

So, the main attraction, the Freedom of the Seas.

It's too big to go on one photo, so point and click for better views...

Very impressive, but I think the endless rounds of mini golf and tea dances and dining with the captain and promenades along the deck might get a little tedious after about four weeks crossing the Atlantic.

Plus, how on earth does it float???

Back to more mundane things...

The tanks are full of Bacardi Breezer, the containers are empty (because they are stacked more than three high, apparently) and the portakabins are where Jerry Board works. I bet he doesn't know he's now a tourist attraction.

And finally. The Minnellium Countdown Clock.



It didn't work six and half years ago and it doesn't work now.
Welcome to Southampton.