"And on your left, it says here..."

It's an interesting thing, putting yourself in the position of being a tourist in your own town. Two things will probably happen...

1. You will see one thing which you didn't realise was there and nonchalantly go "Oh, right..." and...
2. You will see loads of things you already knew were there and pass everyday and never realised were tourist attractions. Because they aren't.

Southampton has jumped on the open-topped bus tour bandwagon. Its heart is in the right place, I'm sure, but its literature gives it all away. The main features are the cruise liners and the Bacardi-Martini plant which chucks out a million bottles of Bacardi Breezer everyday. And if there are no cruise liners in dock that day, the main (only) feature is, well, the Bacardi-Martini plant which chucks out a million bottles of Bacardi Breezer everyday.

Anyway, on undaunted and not being one to be over cynical about these new ventures...

...this is the bloke who knows everything about Southampton which you might want to know. Apart from he doesn't. He knows what has been written on the piece of paper he is holidng, and he reads it out. (Crap points = 10). He also has no PA system on the coach, because it is broken (Crap points = 20) and so he has to shout and the people at the back have to lip-read (Crap points = 30). The people downstairs, I imagine, don't hear anything.

The first thing we see was the thing I already knew was there. It's the Titanic memorial just inside Dock Gate 4.

It's also a bit rubbish, consisting as it does of three big blocks of concrete. And the guide didn't really sell it as much more than that either. You weren't allowed to get off the bus to read what it said. If this tour is going to be a crowd puller, the blokey reading out the stuff is going to have to bring a little bit more life to it - some stories about the people on the Titanic, what they did, whether they survived. Even a two minute dash into the BBC Southampton website came up with this...

"Further along Oxford Street, The Grapes is still a popular pub. In 1911 the firemen and engine room workers on the liners used to drink in what was a real 'spit and sawdust' pub just before departure. Six Titanic crewmen left it late and dashed through Dock Gate 4 just before midday - three men crossed the railway line just in front of a train but the three Slade brothers let the train pass. In the meantime, the gangplank was pulled up and fortunately for them, they missed the Titanic."

You see, it's not hard.

Things can only get better...

...or so you would think. I pass Dock Gate 10 a few times most weeks, but it's only when you see it as a tourist that you see how rubbish it is. What should be part of a proud sea-going, trading heritage has been patched up with concrete. The clock hands have been removed and someone has decided on the best place for a red warning triangle. It really looks awful. And the flour mill behind it looks derilict and is a real eyesore.

I know these places are working docks, but when you see what Portsmouth has done to regenerate its waterfront, Southampton looks increasingly shabby.

Speaking of which. If you are shabby enough to be able to afford to go on the QE2 (or the QM2), this is where you get on...

...a 1950s precast concrete and corrugated iron shed. Classy.

Back to the top attractions.

There are a couple of these on the dock side. Big multi-storey car parks where the cars being imported and exported are stored. 60% of the cars moved through Southampton are for export, only 40% are imports. This was presented as a favourable fact, but I'm sure in years gone by, the statistics might have been even more favourable...

*That's not Jean-Luc Picard on the bus...

So, the main attraction, the Freedom of the Seas.

It's too big to go on one photo, so point and click for better views...

Very impressive, but I think the endless rounds of mini golf and tea dances and dining with the captain and promenades along the deck might get a little tedious after about four weeks crossing the Atlantic.

Plus, how on earth does it float???

Back to more mundane things...

The tanks are full of Bacardi Breezer, the containers are empty (because they are stacked more than three high, apparently) and the portakabins are where Jerry Board works. I bet he doesn't know he's now a tourist attraction.

And finally. The Minnellium Countdown Clock.



It didn't work six and half years ago and it doesn't work now.
Welcome to Southampton.