NEXT Time...

Half-term wardrobe sort-out has revealed...

...(a) I am officially very middle-aged, as I buy nearly all my clothes from NEXT, and...



...(b) I need to stop saying I want to keep the hanger.

Anti-Rant (Being Nice for Lent...)

The Church of England says I don't have to give anything up for Lent this year. (Actually, as I have had no pancakes, I wouldn't have to give up anything anyway, would I?)

What I actually have to do is "something helpful" and "good deeds." I can even get text or web reminders in case I forget to be helpful and good which, let's face it, is likely.

Yesterday, I had to "go to a party". Today I have to "spend some time in silence..."



...like that's gonna happen!

But I am slowly buying into the whole "Changing the world a little bit each day" message - I even have a copy of this, and have done some of the things in it. (Well, one of the things - I turn the TV off standy when I go to bed now. However, as I have just bought a big new tv when there was actually nothing particularly wrong with the old one, my "change the world" account is still seriously in the red...)

Anyway, back to the point. I'm going to write a thank you letter to someone. It's one of the things on the CoE list and will make me feel better about myself.

Yesterday in London, I dropped my phone and the slidy front bit slid off completely. The front and back bits hung together precariously on a spring and getting them back together was like being on the Krypton Factor, and involved patience and tweezers. When I got it back together, it didn't work. The screen flashed pretty colours then went black.

The O2 website said I had to take it to an O2 Shop. The woman in the O2 Shop said they would have to send it away to Nokia. She said it could be 28 days. She said they didn't have a loan phone for me. She chewed gum while she spoke.

She helpfully suggested I could take it to the little mobile phone shop on Millbrook Road. They might do it in 48 hours.

Well, they were nothing short of brilliant.

They took the phone in at about 10am. They were polite; they knew what they were talking about; they didn't promise anything they couldn't do; they had a sense of humour. (Take note of all these, girl in O2 Shop...) I went to work. I picked it up at 4pm - all fixed under warranty.

So, I'm going to write to Next Communications in Southampton and thank them for the excellent service. And for the (albeit very small) audience here... Thanks Sam and Chris. I would have been very grumpy without my phone. And I wouldn't want the Church of England texting me about that.*

*Not that they would have been able to...

Grey Skies, More Towers...

...and no Pancakes* :-(

The weather wasn't great in London today and the Thames looked steely and very threatening. At 7.2m, it was the highest tide this year so far and at times it looked in danger of coming over the edge...



I worry about these things. Time to get up high!

It's officially Tower week. Already been up the Spinnaker Tower and there are plenty in London to keep the theme going.

Firstly, the Monument. A tower in all but name, built to commemorate the Great Fire. All you need to know about its history and purpose is here...



...Bakers, Puddings, Christopher Wren etc.

The last time I climbed the 311 steps to the top was pre-1981. I know this because my Gran climbed them too, kept going by the fact that an American on the way down told her there was a café at the top**.

But the views are good, even on a grey day...



...up and down...



Next Tower is The Tower of London.



Again, not been here for a very long time, but it seems to have smartened up its act. Lots of interactive touch-screen stuff and the Queen Elizabeth II Travelators to take you past the Crown Jewels. God forbid you might actually want to stop and look.

It was not very busy, surprisingly, but such tourist groups as there were...



...just took photos of all the predictable things.



Of course, I would never do that.

And finally on to Tower Bridge.



Iconic, obviously, but going in and up is better for the views it offers of other things...



..than the views it offers of itself...



You can go in the Engine Room now too. Which is impressive...



...until you realise that these engines don't work the bridge anymore. That's all done by the new-fangled electricity now.

Finished off the day by going to see Boeing-Boeing at the Comedy Theatre. Don't normally like farces, but this one had Michelle Gomez from Green Wing and Feel the Force in it and she was effortlessly brilliant!

*Apologies to The Street family, who didn't have me there to flambé anything this year...
** There isn't...

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More photos on...

Spot the difference...

Zoe spent most of the weekend with her head in this book...



On closer examination...

"That's not my monster! It's nose is too bobbly, eyebrows too hairy, ears are too rough..." etc

...it seems that the book is actually the preliminary script ideas for...



That's not my monster! It's CGI is too ropey!

That's not Torchwood! It's a low-budget ITV rip-off!!

That's not an actress! It's the rough-looking one from S Club!!!

Full House...

My niece, Zoe, paid a visit this last weekend, took in some shopping and some sightseeing, and even visited me at work on Friday afternoon.

Of course, being only 1, (and a couple of months), she had to bring her entire baby infrastructure with her - Mum, Dad, Grandad, cot, bottles, nappies, several dozen bags, most of the Early Learning Centre, etc. My normally very minimalist house was temporarily turned into a cross between a refugee camp and E-Bay (and there was also the "How many ways can you blow up an airbed?" dilemma), but it was all absolutely worth it, as it's the first time all four of them have been down to see me together and we had a really excellent family weekend.

On Saturday, they all went over to Southampton on the ferry - all tourists must do that, it's the law...



(If you zoom in, you can just about see my sister waving...)

The reason I'm not on the ferry is because we needed a car to get back in with the four hundred-weight of shopping and baby paraphernalia. But as I got there in time to take the photo of the ferry docking*, it did prove that it's quicker to drive into town (11 miles) than to sail (1.5 miles).

(* DO ferries dock? This one looks too small. Perhaps it berths?)

Shopping done, it was whistle-stop tour of the New Forest. Roger had a good excuse to pass on this excursion as (1) Zoe was alseep and (2) Sky Sports News was on. A happy coincidence for him! They both missed...



...Rufus Stone...

(I think we established that we last came here over 20 years ago. I might have to try and find a photo of me and my sister being surly teenagers standing by it - I'm sure one must exist.)

...and some trees...



(Herne the Hunter just out of shot...)

The other compulsory touristy thing is to crawl about on the glass floor of the Spinnaker Tower. I have made people do this before, and Zoe had to do it too...






The concensus of opinion was that this would freak out Ambler grandparents, but it didn't seem to freak Zoe out at all. She did dribble on the glass a lot though, which perhaps caused a health and safety slippage incident after we left...

Back down the lift for a hot chocolate and a coffee... (actual sizes...)



Had a great weekend!

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More photos on...

The Bird (Flu) Table and The Battle Rhythm...

Aithchooo....

So, as of 1pm this afternoon, we have Bird Flu. Not just any old bird flu, but the kind of bird flu that will kill us all (© Daily Mail, probably).

I've learned, thanks to the consistently brilliant BBC News website, that there are at least 15 types of bird flu. We've got strain H5 and there are 9 types of H5. We've got H5N1.

The BBC News also shows us, helpfully, how H5N1 might mutate further and really actually kill us all... Have a go, it's like some morbid computer game...



Anyway, to try and make sure it goes no further than taking down Bernard Matthews, DEFRA has an Exotic Animal Disease Generic Contingency Plan. I feel better already.

Part of the EADGCP (for short) is the Battle Rhythm... This sounds like it might be some tribal drumming technique to pass the news of feathery-death from one (technologically-limited and telephony-poor) Suffolk village to the next, but it's actually just this timetable (click to zoom)...



This makes provision for early-morning and early-evening "Birdtable" meetings. Now I have no idea what these are - someone well-attended at management training courses will tell me - but I imagine they're a kind of meeting where people can arrive, contribute and leave, and not everyone has to be there at the same time, or at all. (If I'm right, I'll take my MBA now...)

I wonder if they might consider renaming these, given that it might hold up proceedings if they have to clear 2,600 dead turkeys off the birdtable before they can start...

I shall say zis ernly wernce...

Has anyone else noticed that Sarah Louise Platt is turning into Mee-chelle of ze Rezis-tonse...?



It seems to have passed Grace Dent and Charlie Brooker by, and they are normally very keen observers of these things.

BeretWatch continues...

The Great Christmas Tree Massacre...

They don't just take the decorations down in Lyndhurst...



...they slaughter them.

A really sad sight.

Never mind, only about 328 days till we can put them back up again! :-)

Out with the old...

Just a couple of things to get out of the way before the year is over.

Firstly, I'm not looking forward to getting back to Southampton if this weather forecast is anything to go by...



I'm hoping the snow will have gone and the temperature risen by about 20 degrees by the time I get back tomorrow. Or perhaps Google just got it wrong...

Secondly, a bit of a rant. I spent most of yesterday complaining loudly about one particular aspect of the New Year's Honours list. That particular aspect being that June Sarpong, here depicted in all her uselessness...



...has been awarded an MBE. For services to broadcasting. Even though it's the lowest of the BEs, I will remain astounded by this well into January and probably beyond. She will just get on my nerves more and send me diving for the remote control much more quickly than she did before.

Services to broadcasting. I ask you... Obviously being able to speak clearly and coherently and not like you have been on the vodka is no longer a prerequisite for high achievement in broadcasting. Either that, or it was all a terrible mail merge mistake at the Palace - this is my preferred version of events.

I worry that this time next year we might be saluting Dame Heather Small or, as has already been suggested, Sir Jamie Cullum.

Help.

Fog off...

"We got one of the last slots on the Dover to Calais ferry..." whinged Family A.

"The only thing to do was to drive..." complained Family B.

"This is the first time we have tried to have Christmas with our Italian family..." moaned Famiglia C.

"We'll try tomorrow but otherwise I don't know what we'll do..." grumbled Overindulged Delayed Passenger D, as she clutched a blanket tighter around her shoulders.

Well, its sunny now...

..so stop your snivelling, remember there's a lot worse in some people's lives than being delayed at an airport for a few hours, get on your planes and bugger off and leave us all in peace for Christmas.

Enough, already...

Thursday: Title of final Harry Potter book announced...

Friday: You can already buy it on Amazon...



...despite the webpage being full of disclaimers that they actually don't know when it will be published or actually how much it will cost. And they don't know what the cover will look like.

Interestingly enough, 6 customers have already reviewed it, giving it an average of 4½ stars. I'm sure JK Rowling is beavering away in an Edinburgh café somewhere, this time only pretending her heating has been cut off at home, trying to earn the extra half a star. No doubt her editors, who have let her creep up from the 190 pages of the first book to the rambling, unnecessary 768 of the most recent, will let her do anything she wants this time as she is rich enough and Bloomsbury desperate enough to let her call all the shots. Which is a shame, because properly and objectively edited, they might have flourished on the quality of the writing rather than the hype.

There's a lot of discussion about whether she should kill Harry off in this book. Personally I'm hoping Harry has the good sense to broomstick through the back cover and kill her off.

How Christmassy am I???


* Have actually just noticed that Amazon now recommend you also buy the "Adult Version" at the same time...

...presumably this is full of swearing and sex and violence and 200 pages longer.

Arbetsmiljoverket

Just as you might be getting your IKEA tea lights out to make Christmas glimma, a foray (for your own good, you understand) into Swedish Health and Safety.

I think this is what the first few mean. Please add comments for the others...


Do not allow your candle to talk to R2-D2 on a sunny day...


Be careful if using your teapot for archery practice...

Don't vomit on your candle before extinguishing it...

Don't use candles as big as your chair, or you may disappear...

Do not allow your child to kiss pets by candlelight...