Mistaken Identity...

This has now happened to me twice in one week...

Firstly, someone has my email address and thinks I want to work at Barclays...

From: ********@barclayscapital.com

Ian

Apologies I did leave a message on your voicemail about 2 weeks ago and I thought it strange you didn't reply.

Unfortunately we have decided not to progress with your application. The feedback on the day was positive from Damien and it is obvious that you are very keen and ambitious however the lack of experience in a sales environment is a concern for Carl and myself.

Good luck with your future career and please give me a call if you want to chat through

Regards
Carol

...which I don't. (But I am harbouring some dislike for Carl and Carol who obviously think I am not good enough. I may not have the necessary sales experience, Carol, but I know it's a concern "for Carl and me", not "for Carl and myself"...)


And secondly, someone has my mobile number and thinks I am Tony Gowers, National Trail Officer for the North Downs Way...



...which I am not. Although if I got a free yellow hi-viz jacket with my job, I might want to be...

One flew over the Junk Mail filter....

Now, I would never normally admit to finding anything in Tina's junk mail remotely amusing or entertaining in any way, consisting as it normally does of such things as...

• Fwd: Would you hold the ladder? Note: forwarded message attached. I thought this was really funny...i hope you like it as much as i did! Tinaxx or
  

• Fwd: FW: Mates Note: forwarded message attached. Is that a rag doll....or really a person? Txxxx or
  

• Fwd: FW: Tennis Note: forwarded message attached. This is good fun! My record so far is 11...I only had a quick go...honest! Txxxxxxxxxxxxx or
  

• Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Bubble wrap Note: forwarded message attached. I personally found this quite therapeutic...have a pop! Txxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You know, the kind of thing your inbox is permanently plagued with. Especially if you know Tina....

However, I have obviously let my guard down, (it must be the holidays), because I have to admit this is very addictive, requiring, as it does, skill and precision and dexterity etc, and not just being a poor quality video of a bloke up a ladder with a kilt on, which was the last thing she sent to 237 unsuspecting friends and family...



*edit: I didn't kill the dog either...

RIP Top of the Very Pops

Just watching the very last TOTP (as we call it) and important questions come to mind....

• When was the last time I watched it? Can't remember...
• Why does Dave Lee Travis look exactly the same...?
• Why is Captain Jack Sparrow on it? (Oh, he's not, it's Adam Ant...)
• Why, Why, Why, Delilah?
• Why is Aisleyne on it? (Oh, she's not, it's Beyoncé Knowles...)
• What is Pat Sharp for?
• Ditto All Saints
• Which one of Take That had a thing with Lulu and vomited into her bath?
• Which one was Pepsi and which one was Shirley? And which one married Martin/Gary Kemp? And who did the other one marry? And which of the Kemps has a metal plate in his head?
• Weren't the Wombles good?
• Ditto Smurfs...
• What's so special about "Oasis" soup?
• Wasn't Janice Long Cheggers' sister? Presumably still is...
• What was Victoria Beckham's maiden name?
• When will I, will I be famous? (I can't answer. I can't answer that...)
• What will be on at 2pm on Christmas Day for us to take the piss out of en famille?*
• And (only my Dad and sister will be able to answer this...), didn't Freddie Mercury look like Mrs Spalding???

*edit: Jana "Mrs BBC" Bennett just confirmed there will be a Christmas special. Phew.

A year ago today...

Don't worry, I'm not going to relive the whole of last summer day by day... But this is where I was exactly a year ago:



Today, I am not on my way to New Zealand, rather I am sitting on my sofa having the first lazy day since finishing work. So that's allowed.

Just watched Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe from last night*, in which he pondered how people get on Big Brother...



(*God bless Sky Plus, which you can now programme via text message...)

Oh, great....

Yes, thanks, Tesco Home Plus.
Bugger Right Off.

Alton Towers for rodents...

Like all the other newspapers, The Guardian published the story about Mike the Hamster escaping from the recycling plant which you can read about here (or here on the BBC.)

However, I wish The Guardian had credited the artist who illustrated it...



...because then I would know who to thank for making me laugh.

Mike at position 4 is particularly amusing. Although perhaps no more so than "hamster ducking under blades" at position 2.

Carry on Regardless...

Went to see The Beautiful South last night in Portsmouth and they were bloody good. Again.

I have seen them a couple of times before. The first time they were a bit maudlin and depressing and the second time very upbeat and cheerful, so it was a toss-up to which they would be this time.

Here's a photo - if you squint and pretend it was taken with a good camera instead of a mobile phone that I dropped in a cup of coffee last week, you will make out, from right to left...

• Dave Hemingway, who looks increasingly like the miserable one out of the Pet Shop Boys (debate about which one that is), especially when wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap
• Paul Heaton, the main one, and...
• in the far blurry distance, the woman, who changes every couple of years or so...

The new one is called Alison Wheeler and she fits in very well, because she can "do" the voices of the previous two.

So much so, that when she does this bit...



...she gets a mid-song round of applause for sounding like the freckly redhead woman who sang it originally (name her if you can), a bit like she would if she were doing Stars in their Eyes.

And if anything, they were more upbeat and more cheerful, despite the fact that the some of the lyrics get more poignant and more cutting. Woman in the Wall, for example, turned into a big fiesta number with horns and tambourines and all that. Paul Heaton even smiled a number of times and had some witty banter with the audience about their banners.

But someone will have to explain the big balloons, because he didn't.

Today, it rained...

...a lot!

Sam is the hero next door! (or not...)

Is it wrong that I have some sort of sneaking admiration for the person who made the following complaint to OFCOM? I reproduce it below, probably breaching copyright, so that you can stifle your laughter and make your own mind up...

Fireman Sam - CBeebies, 10 February 2006, 12.45

Introduction

This episode of the long-running children's television series told the story of an old and carelessly stored electric blanket which caught fire. When Fireman Sam arrived at the fire, before he entered the building, he asked his colleague Elvis to ensure the electrical power source had been disconnected. After Elvis had disconnected the source, Fireman Sam went into the bedroom where the electric blanket was on fire and extinguished the blaze with water.

A complainant felt that extinguishing an electrical fire with water sent out an incorrect safety message to young children watching.

Response

The BBC said it had reviewed the episode and felt confident that Fireman Sam and his team followed the correct procedure by isolating the power source first before tackling the fire. As the sequence was short, there was little chance of viewers seeing the fire fighting without hearing of the precaution first.

Even so the programme makers were concerned that a small number of viewers seemed not to have picked up the safety precaution. This had been discussed with senior editors and another episode, which dealt in more detail with electrical fires, had now been edited to reinforce the safety message further. The BBC confirmed that next time the episode complained of was repeated, the additional episode reinforcing how to deal with electrical fires safely would be the next scheduled.

Decision

Although the storyline had followed the correct procedure, we welcome the BBC’s action to reinforce the safety message for young viewers.

Resolved

"And on your left, it says here..."

It's an interesting thing, putting yourself in the position of being a tourist in your own town. Two things will probably happen...

1. You will see one thing which you didn't realise was there and nonchalantly go "Oh, right..." and...
2. You will see loads of things you already knew were there and pass everyday and never realised were tourist attractions. Because they aren't.

Southampton has jumped on the open-topped bus tour bandwagon. Its heart is in the right place, I'm sure, but its literature gives it all away. The main features are the cruise liners and the Bacardi-Martini plant which chucks out a million bottles of Bacardi Breezer everyday. And if there are no cruise liners in dock that day, the main (only) feature is, well, the Bacardi-Martini plant which chucks out a million bottles of Bacardi Breezer everyday.

Anyway, on undaunted and not being one to be over cynical about these new ventures...

...this is the bloke who knows everything about Southampton which you might want to know. Apart from he doesn't. He knows what has been written on the piece of paper he is holidng, and he reads it out. (Crap points = 10). He also has no PA system on the coach, because it is broken (Crap points = 20) and so he has to shout and the people at the back have to lip-read (Crap points = 30). The people downstairs, I imagine, don't hear anything.

The first thing we see was the thing I already knew was there. It's the Titanic memorial just inside Dock Gate 4.

It's also a bit rubbish, consisting as it does of three big blocks of concrete. And the guide didn't really sell it as much more than that either. You weren't allowed to get off the bus to read what it said. If this tour is going to be a crowd puller, the blokey reading out the stuff is going to have to bring a little bit more life to it - some stories about the people on the Titanic, what they did, whether they survived. Even a two minute dash into the BBC Southampton website came up with this...

"Further along Oxford Street, The Grapes is still a popular pub. In 1911 the firemen and engine room workers on the liners used to drink in what was a real 'spit and sawdust' pub just before departure. Six Titanic crewmen left it late and dashed through Dock Gate 4 just before midday - three men crossed the railway line just in front of a train but the three Slade brothers let the train pass. In the meantime, the gangplank was pulled up and fortunately for them, they missed the Titanic."

You see, it's not hard.

Things can only get better...

...or so you would think. I pass Dock Gate 10 a few times most weeks, but it's only when you see it as a tourist that you see how rubbish it is. What should be part of a proud sea-going, trading heritage has been patched up with concrete. The clock hands have been removed and someone has decided on the best place for a red warning triangle. It really looks awful. And the flour mill behind it looks derilict and is a real eyesore.

I know these places are working docks, but when you see what Portsmouth has done to regenerate its waterfront, Southampton looks increasingly shabby.

Speaking of which. If you are shabby enough to be able to afford to go on the QE2 (or the QM2), this is where you get on...

...a 1950s precast concrete and corrugated iron shed. Classy.

Back to the top attractions.

There are a couple of these on the dock side. Big multi-storey car parks where the cars being imported and exported are stored. 60% of the cars moved through Southampton are for export, only 40% are imports. This was presented as a favourable fact, but I'm sure in years gone by, the statistics might have been even more favourable...

*That's not Jean-Luc Picard on the bus...

So, the main attraction, the Freedom of the Seas.

It's too big to go on one photo, so point and click for better views...

Very impressive, but I think the endless rounds of mini golf and tea dances and dining with the captain and promenades along the deck might get a little tedious after about four weeks crossing the Atlantic.

Plus, how on earth does it float???

Back to more mundane things...

The tanks are full of Bacardi Breezer, the containers are empty (because they are stacked more than three high, apparently) and the portakabins are where Jerry Board works. I bet he doesn't know he's now a tourist attraction.

And finally. The Minnellium Countdown Clock.



It didn't work six and half years ago and it doesn't work now.
Welcome to Southampton.

A minor explosion...

Well, I suppose it had been a long time coming, and all the tell-tale signs were there, but my computer blew up on Friday evening.

There was a bit of a high pitched schreeching sound and a smell like someone had pulled forty Christmas Crackers at once.

Then a bang and a flash and all was dark.

So, I ventured inside the computer, which was more colourful and a lot more dusty than I thought it would be and sought advice from Jon, who is a person I talk to when I have computer problems, and he assured me that it was the power pack.

As I bought the computer ages ago and it had a mere (as it turned out) 300W power supply, apparently I shouldn't have added 8 more USB ports, a DVD rewriter, a memory card reader, a second hard drive, a new sound card and bluetooth and expected it to cope...

So out came the old power pack and, thanks to speedy service Novatech, who allow you to reserve an item on their website and pick it up the following morning, even on a bank holiday weekend...


(Yes, I know there are a lot of wires. But sensible people mark where all the wires plug into before unplugging them to make life easier. Like I say, sensible people do that...)

...and in went the new one. A mammoth (possibly) 550W of power which would probably run the computer and the central heating without the risk of setting fire to the house.



And so, eventually, all the plugs were back where they were supposed to go and it works. It's even quieter than before and doesn't go blue screen quite so often. Even the wireless keyboard seems to work, and nooooooot doooooooo thiiiiiissss like it was before.

And if you think it's mending my computer which makes me a geek, wasn't Doctor Who sad last night?? :-(

About 9 months late...

When I was in New Zealand last summer (did I mention that I had been???), I took some short film clips using the rudimentary video function of my digital camera. I tried to upload them to the NZ Blog at the time but the technology was having none of it, so no-one got to see them.

Well, now there is You Tube! There may have even been You Tube then, too, but I hadn't got around to how it worked... Well, now I have, so here are two short clips from New Zealand last year. The Maori Experience and the The Bloody Hell That's A Long Way Down Skipper's Canyon Experience...



A much more interesting use of You Tube, as Andy pointed out to me in email, is the ability to scavenge other people's videos and forcibly remind others of them. Most particularly, very bad 80s pop music, such as this...



Oh yes, it's the slow motion doves, the billowing curtains at the open window of the moonlit country mansion, the inexplicable martial arts dancers, the back-combed, backlit hair, the strange alien people with light up eyes. Enjoy....

Wayfaring.com

I have been introduced to Wayfaring and am not really sure how much use it will be yet.

But I've "done" Easter...



You can click and zoom in and look at satellite images and see photos and link to websites etc. You can also show routes you have travelled, but I haven't worked out how to do that yet...

A much more interesting use for it is the Jacktracker - mapping Jack Bauer's movements during the Day 5 of 24..

(It did highlight the fact that I have been to two restaurants called Belinda's during the holiday - one in Arundel and one in Bude. Which is probably more restaurants called Belinda's than anyone needs to go to.)

You can't escape the Irish...

...even if they are Polish, like this one was.



Even at the Guinness Brewery, they didn't have barmen who pulled pints on the move, as he did...

And the wolfhound and the mascot were also Irish...*



(*You can decide which one is the real dog and which is the man dressed up...)

...and that's because London Irish were playing Leeds at the Madejski** Stadium in Reading.

(**You can also decide how you say that out loud...)

Now, I know nothing about rugby, but I'm a quick learner. Here we see a pass...



...a scrum...



...and a line out...



Another first for me as have never been to a rugby match before and much better than watching it all on the TV, although you could do that too...



...and that was the final score, so "Come on you IRISH!!!"
(as everyone was supposed to shout...)

Careful on the Cobbles

I haven't been to Clovelly since I was about 10, so it's good to know it remains relatively unspoilt.



It's a tiny fishing village on a privately owned estate (£4.75 entry fee) and Charles Kingsley, author of The Water Babies and Westward Ho!, had a cottage there. They have obviously had him stuffed as a permanent exhibit...



The village clings to the cliffside with a precipitous cobbled street winding through, down (or up) which you can't take your motorbike or car...



...although presumably you still have to keep to 20 if you go down on roller skates, or a tin tray.

It really is scarily steep...



and the street narrows and steepens further...



...and twists and dives underneath houses...



This poses problems if you have to take your shopping home or get anything delivered to your house. There is a supply of donkeys at the top, and the postman has a sledge. How they would deliver, say, a 42" Plasma Screen TV without it being smashed into tiny little bits, I know not...



But it's worth going down all the way, as the shop on the quayside has the biggest selection of Haribo ever, most of which I had never seen before...



...has anyone got a spare sledge to drag them back up?

And arty desktop wallpaper photos of lobster pots and rope to boot...